January 1, 2019

Do you make New Year’s resolutions?

I used to but I haven’t for a long time. I was very good at making them, but not so much so at keeping them. One of the lessons I learned not as soon as I would have liked to from my experiences adulting, was that change happens only when it’s a change that is really, truly desired. Heart and mind have to conspire for that change. Just wishing for it doesn’t make it so.

There’s a sentimental pull, a kind of wistful allure that draws us to want to change or begin this clean slate we have ever January 1st with our best foot forward. So we respond to that sentiment, and I believe that it’s in a kind of, “make a wish and blow out the candle” sort of way. And really, as long as that’s all it is, I suppose New Year’s resolutions can be harmless.

For some people, making New Year’s resolutions is just a beginning of the brand-new year annual game they play. You may see it as only a game, and if your friends are making New Year’s resolutions, you’re tempted to do so, too. And when, as it happens most of the time, in a few days or weeks you have a “well, so much for that resolution” moment, you shrug your shoulders, maybe chuckle a little, and carry on with the rest of your year.

But for some of us, trying and failing year upon year can be very debilitating. I was at a place, in my early to late twenties, when I was emotionally fragile. It took me years to understand some things, about self-esteem especially. It was in those years when I would make resolutions and always feel like such a failure when I couldn’t keep them. I’m intuitive when it comes to some things, and dang slow when it comes to others. In my case, the difference between the former and the latter is the amount of thinking I’ve poured into the matter.

The biggest lesson I needed to learn was to be kind to myself. As you’ve likely discovered, the world is happy to provide people who may have a negative opinion about you and aren’t shy to share it. You don’t have to look far, especially these days, to find a critic. That seems to be the way it is, and the more you practice careful selection—that is, give those folks wide berth, why, the better you’ll feel.

But my larger point is this: because there are a lot of people who are more than happy to natter at you, you must not add to that nattering by being critical of yourself. There’s nothing wrong with honest reflection, with seeing where you did it right, and where there’s room for improvement. But don’t call yourself names. Don’t berate yourself the way, perhaps, a parent or older sibling used to do.

It's one of the best tenets to live by, to be kind to one another. You could even say that it’s biblical (because it is). But just as important, and far more urgent, is that you be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Nobody living on this earth at this time is perfect. And very few deserve the kind of derision that we sometimes and sadly quite freely heap upon ourselves.

Be kind to yourself, as a best friend ought to be.

David and I wish all y’all a joyous and prosperous 2020. May this be a year that will live fondly in your memories forever.

Love,
Morgan
http://www.morganashbury.com
http://www.bookstrand.com/morgan-ashbury