November 29, 2017
I may have shared with you the fact that David would leave me a note every work day, and had done so for the last few years. Here is my beloved’s note to me on last Friday—his final day of work:
End of days! Parole!!! Last time! No more lunches to make! The only 4:30 is in the PM! The alarm is history! New Beginning! New Life! New adventures!
Over the years, our family and friends would assert that between the two of us, I tended to see the glass as half full, whereas David tended to see it as half empty. The note he left me on Friday was a proclamation that he was going forward with an optimistic attitude. I was very gratified to see that, because I know that this moment for him was bitter sweet.
Facing the future can be uncertain. For someone like me who tends to also be on the anal side, it can be more than a bit scary. The truth is, I’m very optimistic, if I have my ducks in a row. I’m not really sure that I do this time. Only time will tell. In moments like these I rely heavily on my faith. God is in control of my life. I have nothing to fear. I just need to focus on the things I’m supposed to do, and let Him handle everything else. For me, there’s nothing tougher than “let God and let go”.
While a part of me as dreaded this moment—a total change in my own routine, as well as switching from work earnings to pension earnings, not really knowing exactly how much money will be involved—the other part of me rejoices for all the reasons my husband noted above, plus one other.
I have seen him struggle over the last year, especially, because of his COPD, and the general pains of arthritis and getting older. He’s felt frustrated because physically, he couldn’t do the maintenance at the quarry like he used to do. In the last couple of years, when they needed his expertise—and he had quite a bit after 39 years in the industry—he assumed the role of supervisor, standing on the sidelines and telling them what to do to fix what was wrong. He couldn’t get in there himself and actually do the work, and that was a wound to him. I’ve seen him struggle to breathe when it’s cold outside. I’ve prayed for the day when he wouldn’t have to do any of that anymore, and that day has finally arrived.
Despite some of my comments here and there, I’m not really concerned about no longer having my house to myself. The truth is, we’re both good at being together and being separate in the space we have here. My office only has one door, instead of two. One of the first things he wants to do is purchase another door to hang, so that I can close both doors when I need to. That’s a good first step. But we’ve already taken other steps so that we can each be on our own.
A year ago, my beloved moved his computer into the living room, making his “office” in the corner of that much larger space. He has wireless headphones, so that when he wants to watch television he can do so without disturbing me as I work. The headphones are good for him, too, since he has suffered significant hearing loss over his career, and they allow him to really hear the programs he watches.
I am looking forward to what adventures life has in store for us. And being older, our definition of that image-evoking word, “adventure” is definitely different than it would be for someone much younger.
I still feel understandable trepidation as we move forward. I just have to remind myself to put a smile on my face, and look bravely toward the sun.